The Onion (Pennsylvania version) Attorney General Josh Shapiro – A Satire

Attorney General Josh Shapiro ran a very modest campaign where he hardly ever appeared on camera, and made a whole bunch of promises – promises which he kept in office.

He ran on the tag line “restoring integrity,” after Former Attorney General Kathleen Kane resigned, after being indicted and was subsequently sentenced to prison. Kathleen Kane served her entire prison sentence and subsequently came out and publicly apologized for her criminal behavior in office.

Shortly after Josh Shapiro took office, he released the full and entire version of the porn report, including the names of judges. He held a very modest press conference, as is his typical fashion to be low key in the press, where he publicly called out the offending state officials to resign (under threat of prosecution) for sending racist and sexist pornography ex parte from their government email addresses. They promptly resigned and apologized the public, the Supreme Court disciplinary and judicial boards promptly gave them license suspensions.

From there on out Josh Shapiro kept his campaign promises to fight corruption across the state. He promptly acted on the Auditor General’s recommendation that the Penn State Board of Trustees be investigated, and be forced to shrink the number of members of the BOT in order to keep tuition low and save tax dollars. Shortly thereafter, the Penn State BOT was shrunk and tuition was lowered, and the Penn State pork barrel spending was eliminated.

image (1)

Shapiro started going after corrupt government officials all over the state. Instead of focusing on Trump and throwing himself into the national news, he focused wholly on fixing Pennsylvania criminal justice system, and restoring integrity to the Attorney Generals office. To do this, it took great focus. He never had news conferences, or at least not too many and definately did not have three facebook accounts. Instead he focused on the work at hand, only appearing in the news to announce information that was a threat to public safety.

Shapiro restructured the Office of the Attorney General, cleaning house and making it more efficient. He conducted an internal investigation, and he even changed policy. He did not make big fancy drug busts arresting low level dealers to show off, and he did not broadcast how he alone thought he was the most important person in the state, who was single handedly fighting the opioid deaths. Indeed opioid deaths did not rise under his tenure.

Furthermore, Shapiro was impervious to outside influences. He prosecuted characters in government regardless of how powerful or influential they were. When District Attorney Bill Higgins was arrested for using his office to solicit sex from criminal defendants, Shapiro charged Higgins with harshest penalties available for betraying public trust. He refused to entertain any plea bargains, and Higgins was subsequently sentenced to 10 years in jail.

Shapiro hates the media, he hates attention. He likes to do his job, and he likes to keep the public interests in mind. He only has the public interests at heart and does not cater to lobbyists, wealthy donors or powerful politicians. He puts his own personal political agendas secondary to the best interests of the state citizens he represents. In fact, when he ran for office and said he wasn’t going to ever run for governor, that was absolutely true. Shapiro has no ambitions to run for governor or to become president of the US.

Shapiro is also single handedly advancing the rights of the LBGT. Shapiro doesn’t go to big seminars, rallies or give big grandiose speeches. He is actually changing and implementing laws to advance the rights of the LBGT through substantitive action. A lot of people say Shapiro is all talk, but that could not be further from the case. Shapiro never talks about how awesome he is, and he never wastes public monies holding splashy press conferences or hiring an entire floor of the OAG to serve as his marketing department.

Shapiro is a six feet two humble public servant, who is diligently completing his job duties without politics getting in the way and has no ambition for running public office.

Shapiro doesn’t do other democrats favors ever. He maintains his impartiality and has restored integrity in the Office of the Attorney General. As a result of his work in the Attorney General’s office, massive criminal reform measures have been implemented, and now the public has complete and total faith in the integrity of their criminal justice system and all the acting public officers.

In Shapiro’s spare time, he rides unicorns and saves babies from burning buildings. He also enjoys hobbies such as washing the feet of the homeless and visiting prisons and rehabs to see how he can really help the people of Pennsylvania. Although Shapiro doesn’t really want to be governor, this entire state thinks he should be governor, and then he should run for president. Shapiro would make an excellent president of the United States, he would not be able to be bought or corrupted by lobbyists or outside interests EVER, EVER.

People like Tom Kline have attempted to buy Shapiro’s political sway by offering political support in office, but Shapiro only follows the law.

If you don’t see Shapiro in the news, please be assured of all the substantiative changes he is making, including a massive reduction statewide in opioid deaths.

Also Shapiro never reads this blog, he is far to busy rolling up his sleeves and attacking issues like public corruption, opioid epidemic and he recently released the diocese report (which held not just abusers accountable, but also the priests who covered up the abuse). Shapiro even fixed security breaches on facebook and in Equifax singlehandedly for the entire nation. Now your information online is perfectly secure, and all the victims who suffered from identity theft have been compensated due to lawsuits Shapiro personally wrote and filed.

Shapiro never reads this blog, he is far too busy working to fix Pennsylvania. If you believe all this, I also have an island I can sell you for a bargain price of $5,000 in Mexico.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.